The first pang of home-sickness and regret.

This evening I headed out to hit the bookstore and coffee shop, armed with my laptop, hoping to get some "out but not directly socializing" time. The wifi access point was $20/month. For the first time I really missed Northampton, the Haymarket, the plentiful bookstores, the entire culture.

I remember the first time I was at a coffee shop, it was in Connecticut with Kurt and several friends. This was before wifi, but there were couches and groups and chatting and ... a feeling of connection. Haymarket didn't quite have that and yet there was this feeling of being out there, hooking into society.

Tonight I felt the first pangs of real regret - not at moving, but at moving to a location that essentially forced me into my old lifestyle - being an isolated hermit. Tonight I wanted more than anything to just sit in a coffee shop, with the computer, observing people, perhaps saying hi occasionally, taking part in everyday life. Perhaps, I think to myself, it was a mistake to not move downtown, somewhere like Pearl district, or even Seattle with it's more "metro" scene.

Tonight I feel more lonely than I had in the previous three years. In the previous three years I wanted to be a hermit, to isolate myself; tonight I wanted to reach out and my familiar type of haunt wasn't available, and I felt lost, just completey, terribly lost.

If that continues enough, it may mean that I move within 10 months, and not outside of it; finding a way to break my lease early. I would greatly miss the closeness of W and C -- but I need... I need culture, I need liberal surroundings, I need - not to partake, but to exist within sometihng that is deeper than what is closeby to here.