Mali relapsing.

I heard from the vet. We do not have her urine culture back but we do have her blood-work back. Her white blood cell count is up (17, only slightly elevated but working up there) and her kidney values are up. I didn't bother writing down the numbers, what does it matter?

Mali is doing really well right now behavior wise but she's showing less interest in chicken. I'm faced, now, with the reality that she may not be able to survive this move.

I have a few choices, if you can call them that.

1) Don't move, at all. Keep things steady, hope she recovers. 2) Do my best to keep her alive, eating, and stress-free during the move. 3) Give up, deal with the fact that she's a very sick kitten and that even on a ton of medication, she can't be stabilized. Her quality of life right now is good - but for how long? Do I put her down, and try to end her suffering before the move? Or try to keep her stress-free through the move and hope that her health can be managed and that she'll bounce back. Mind you she may be ill during the move itself in this case.

Yes, 3 is the harshest sentence, but it's something I've had to face a lot. Her doctors assure me that her quality of life is good and she is not in pain. I see this to be true. But she's slowly losing interest in the food I'm giving her. Any attempt to get her on a low-protien diet has failed and with her current diet, the stress on her kidneys is great. She's eating chicken breasts now - I cook them every other night; but she's lost interest in them and that means cold cuts again - that is not good for her; but it's better than starving.

I keep trying to be hopeful, to throw all my energy and optimism at her, to throw money at her, and to hope that she improves - and it's not working, and it's taking a huge toll on me. I'm obviously not going to re-home her because she's very special needs and on a shorter life-span, the chances of re-homing her are very unlikely anyway; and then how would I know she was getting the best care?

I don't want to give up and put her to sleep; but it's a reality I have to face. I don't know if she can survive this trip and I don't know if it's fair to put her through it and try. I have money to keep throwing at this, the financials aren't an issue; my emotional state may be an issue. And her quality of life is an issue, and may become a larger one.

In the end, how hard do you fight? When do you say that nothing more can be done? And how do I live with that decision if it's to put her to sleep?

Nothing the vet has said indicates that this is what to do - the vet knows that I am moving. We both know the amount of stress this will put on Mali, and she already gets sick as it is.

Almost certainly she will go back on Cephalaxin. This may be a UTI - chronic UTIs are managable, and I will talk to my vet. But UTIs plus 75% or more kidney failure, with a cat that won't eat a damn thing that I give her other than cold cuts, and would have died if I had not tried that option? My other vet said that with proper diet she could live 1-2 years; but with this diet... 3-6 months.

It's been 2 months since I heard that. I move at the 3 month mark. I can't let her starve to death, that's not an option; as a matter of fact, her weight is the highest it's been since December '06, but only because I'll give her whatever it takes to make her eat; and that choice comes at a huge cost. Her kidney values rising may mean the onset of complete kidney failure - it's impossible to know; we caught it early - so maybe.

The white blood cell count means that we have not conquered her infections - kidney transplant is, therefore, not an option. She's not even healthy enough to have her vaccinations renewed.

I don't know what to do, I feel like every thing I put into this is a waste, that I can't make it better and that in some way I'm just prolonging her suffering. She plays, she snuggles, she acts like a fully healthy, well-adjusted bengal. But... I just don't know anymore.