Introspection and Investigation: Friends - Now and Past

I have missed him more than I had expected.

Making new friends is scary business; especially when that friendship is intense and passionate. When the friendship doesn't work out, it can be extremely painful on both sides.

I have thought, over the last few days, that I should try to fix the damage that I wrought. I don't know how I would do that or if it could possibly work. Of course, it would begin with an apology, for some of the things I said were cruel and certainly painful to hear. That did flow both ways, but the duality doesn't make it better; it simply makes it more painful.

But there are issues that an apology couldn't fix. His tendency to call off plans would not diminish; and my tendency to use sarcasm constantly in conversation would not be any easier for him to laugh off. There are other issues, on both sides, that would make a friendship difficult - the biggest may be that I make it very difficult to get close to me.

He asked, during the course of our last discussion, why I was taking the easy way out. Of the things that went back and forth that afternoon, this has made me think much harder than anything else. Did I take the easy way out?

Perhaps it was the easy way out; however, I think it was also "the right thing to do."

It's hard to reconcile why that may be. I said then, and still believe, that we have irreconcilable personality differences. The way that we undertake interaction in interpersonal relationships is extraordinarily different, and that leads to pain on both sides, though the hurt is not intentional (at least, it is not from my end, and I honestly believe it is not intentional from his end).

More than those incompatibilities, however, are deep-stemming issues of intensity. He's a very intense individual, and that drew me to him (and continues to). He has a lot of conviction and the strength of his emotions is ... well I hate to use the word "intense" again, but there it is. This is a good thing; I believe that people should be passionate. But passion goes both ways - in good times, you can fly on passion; but in bad times... it cuts deeper than any knife.

During our relationship, he and I had two arguments - one was a late night conversation that was only a semi-argument, at least compared to the last one in which our friendship went utterly to pieces. I don't think that either of us could stand another one of those.

But his intensity is also difficult for me; for I, too, am intense and passionate. More than that is the difficulty wherein I am solitary, and tend to avoid opening up or turning to others in times of need. In fact, in those times, I write on here or withdraw into my apartment. There are numerous trials that one might encounter in an attempt to befriend me:

• a tendency to feel abandoned (I disappear for weeks at a time, sometimes years),
• a need for a "thick skin" since daily conversation tends to be mixed with a heavy dose of sarcasm,
• an ability to not feel personally targeted by my lack of trust,
• patience with my tendency to write, rather than talk (including long, melodramatic emails, and posting on this site),
• understanding when I internalize their actions, or am hurt by comments or actions that would not hurt others; essentially, my incessant feelings of "guilt", "imposition", and "apologetic-ness" (<- made that one up)
• a sense of "psychic", to detect the moods that I am not cognizant of enough to divulge even to myself, yet which affect every interpersonal interaction I have. No, I don't mean reading my mind, but certainly reading my mood - which quite honestly I am not all that good at hiding anyway.

Anyway... I do babble, and I should probably take this babbling to the friends-only site, but here it is, in public. Why? If I were psychoanalyzing myself, I would say it's because I hope he reads it and ... is somehow less hurt. Or perhaps I would say it's so that future potential friends and Relationships might read it and gain some understanding of the trials ahead.

Perhaps it's just the anonymous audience that a blog, even with my real name attached, affords.

In any case - to the few friends that have made it through these obstacles: thank you. I know I have not made it easy, but I hope that in some way our friendship is worth it. To the one who I have hurt - I am truly sorry; to the others, and perhaps also to the friends ... as one of my closest friends said to me recently:

Love sucks.

Comments (5)

Thank you, Digifiend.  I don’t know, myself, if I was asking for an opinion.  That’s a good question - it sure feels nice to have some affirmation, though. 

I think you’re right that it was the right decision, but it was still a painful one; he and I did have some great times together, and I’ve been focusing on those and wishing there could be more.  Ultimately, though, the long-term outlook was negative.  *sighs*

Relationships and simplicity - I wish there was at least a little bit of simplicity.

Thank you for the comment, it does help quite a bit.

Meh.

You’re right; but when emotions are involved it makes it harder to recognize and act on that conflict, at least for me.  I wanted this to work… as you know, since I haven’t shut up about it in 2 months.